wow i haven't used this bad boy in a while...about a month. but now my myspace is being all stupid so i figured i'd come back here :-)

umm...a lot has happened. i've really just been trying to live it up this summer...have as much fun as possible with very little drama. of course, though, the drama is riding on my back, as usual. the people who are supposed to be there for me all of the time never are and the people i think i know turn out being someone completely different. but sometimes, that's a good thing. i'm finding new amazing friends everywhere.

anyone who knows me is aware that i'm a hopeless romantic and just the thought of all of that mushy crap makes me crazy. well, i've finally realized that it's not worth it. i've been so sad for so long waiting for something that i'm not even sure of. i dont really even believe that love exists these days, so why should i get all worked up waiting for it? so i'm just having fun :-) making friends and making the best of everything that life throws at me. if its real, it will find me someday. but i'm not going to worry about it.

its scary to think that summer is almost over already - and i haven't hung out with half of the people that i want to this summer. so if you want to do ANYTHING, give me a call. especially if you are leaving for college this year. i want to spend as much time with all of you as possible.

but right now my mom needs the computer so i'll write more later. :-) love you all.

i've been thinking about nate a lot lately...it takes everything i have just to keep from crying. i miss him so much. normally, he was the kid who i could talk to when i felt like shit. i knew he'd be there in any way possible for me...and now he's not. i feel like i've been neglecting my duties as his friend...i havent stopped to talk to his family as much as i should. i know it's the right thing to do, but it's just so hard to be strong while i'm there.. i haven't visited his grave as much as i want to. i think i need to tomorrow... i know i need to. i need to talk to him. and i'll probably stop out to the site too... thats one of the hardest things...its really hard just to drive by though. whenever i go up to the cities or something and i pass it, i tear up. it's just really getting to me a lot...i never thought i could miss someone so much.

everything reminds me of you.

I'm just so tired
Won't you sing me to sleep
And fly through my dreams
So I can hitch a ride with you tonight
And get away from this place
Have a new name and face
I just ain't the same without you in my life
Late night drives, all alone in my car
I can't help but start
Singing lines from all our favorite songs
And melodies in the air
Singin life just ain't fair
Sometimes I still just can't believe you're gone

And I'm sure the view from heaven
Beats the hell out of mine here
And if we all believe in heaven,
Maybe we'll make it through one more year
Down here

Feel your fire,
When its cold in my heart
And things sorta start
Remindin' me of my last night with you
I only need one more day
Just one more chance to say
I wish that I had gone up with you too

And I'm sure the view from heaven
Beats the hell out of mine here
And if we all believe in heaven
Maybe we'll make it through one more year
Down here

You wont be comin' back
And I didn't get to say goodbye
I really wish I got to say goodbye

And I'm sure the view from heaven
Beats the hell out of mine here
And if we all believe in heaven
Maybe we'll make it through one more year
I hope that all is well in heaven (always singing in heaven)
Cuz its all shot to hell down here (we need you here)
I hope that I find you in heaven (singing in heaven)
Cuz I'm so lost without you down here
You wont be coming back
And I didn't get to say goodbye
I really wish I got to say goodbye

i'm so fucking lonely sometimes.

i sat here in my living room tonight with five other people

but all i wanted to do was cry.

its days like these when i feel so alone.

i need to just know that someone really cares...the way i NEED to be cared about.

i can't decide whether this summer will be the best or worst of my life thus far...but im sure it'll be one or the other.

an overwhelming majority of today's happenings sucked.

and joel leaves tomorrow.

i could cry...again. yuck.

the hate that i have for myself is growing by the second... i'm just SO FUCKING SICK of myself.

why does everything that i deem so important matter so much? in the long run, it really doesn't..but for some reason, it seems like these tiny little things that go wrong are going to tear my world apart.

really, why do i care so much what other people think of me? if the old lady in Donnie Darko is right and every living thing on this earth dies alone, why am i so worried about everyone else? why do i care about these stupid relationships that the other people don't even value? WHY AM I SO LONELY? if i'm going to end up by myself, why does it matter how other people see me?...it should only matter what i think of myself...

but then again, in either case, i'm fucked.. i can't make anyone else happy and God knows i can't please myself.

i just can't stop pissing myself off...the way i look, the way i talk, the way i act, the way i think...just...EVERYTHING. i hate myself.

and if i have one more person telling me i'm beautiful or i'm their best friend or they love me...i think i might shoot myself in the face. the last thing i need is someone feeding me lines.

maybe someday i can really make someone happy...

how is it that i live my life for everyone else, always worrying about what they need and want and keeping them happy...and i sit here and constantly worry and am sad about my own situation..i know that doing all of these things for other people and not for myself won't all of a sudden make everything better for me. it hasn't for the past seventeen years. i don't think i've lived a day of my life so far for myself and it hasn't come back around to help me somehow yet... i wish that i could start living for myself and just say "fuck you guys" to everyone else. as much as i want to be happy, i'm probably the least important person in the world to me right now. i make absolutely no sense.

this always happens...something big to put it all into perspective for the rest of us. i realize now that all of the things that i've been worrying about are so trivial.

God bless you, Nate Westfall. We love you, and we will miss you. We'll see you on the other side, buddy. <3

i'm too busy. i hate not being able to have a real life... after the play is over (this weekend..don't come by the way, it's going to be shit), i will work and on sundays i will plan and eventually lead FCA...that's all...i'm GOING to have a social life...i NEED to have a social life. i feel like im being strangled to death by all of these extracurriculars...and don't get me wrong, i do enjoy them - but it's all just too much too fast. i have no time to be seventeen anymore. a few months ago i could just be...i actually had the time and energy to stay out with my friends until the wee hours of the morning and have fun...now, i rarely find myself having fun. i feel like i'm too busy for fun. fun takes time and that is something that i just don't have right now.

prom...why do i think SO MUCH about this ONE NIGHT as if it will define the rest of my life?? it's a dance...one stinking dance. i get to wear a dress and i'm supposed to go with a date. those are the only differences...my problem: i don't have a date. so basically, in my world, i'm fucked. there are plenty of guys that i'd want to go with...so why don't i? either 1) they dont want to go with me or 2) they already have dates... i MAY have a solution to this problem, however. there's a certain sophomore that i've been thinking of asking, and i think i might actually follow through on that soon...we'll see!

now, i need to go finish memorizing my GAY lines for the GAY play...and then do my homework, and then finally, hopefully, get some sleep.

<3

sooo tired.

im a whiner, i know. i need to shut up..

lets make a list!

things that i've committed myself to, even though I don't have the time (or energy):

STARS

Womens Ensemble

Solo Contest

Spring Play

Work

doing homework and keeping my GPA up (this is a tough one)

doing college visits/deciding where i want to go and what i want to do

i've got a lot on my plate.

and on top of all of that, i need to find time to sleep.

OH! AND i need to find a prom date....

see, i'm complaining again. so shoot me.

i'm just SO TIRED..

wake me up when it's summer.

sadly, im really starting to get bored of mindsay and totally addicted to myspace. i know. im a big mean traitor, but i cant help it. i think part of it is that i'm just getting really confused about my feelings on a lot of things, so it's hard for me to write about them.

i really need to start writing again. even if its not on here...i just need some way to sort out everything and think things through. my thought process seems like it's stopped and everything's getting backed up.

i'm really getting sick of some people all of a sudden. i mean, i absolutely love my friends to no end, but for some people, i just can't stand the way they treat me sometimes. i really feel like i've been getting shit dumped on me this week. for a couple of days i was kind of on the verge of a breakdown. i literally came home from work one night and cried myself to sleep. having all of these things inside me is definitely unhealthy. i know that. but it's hard for me to let it out. i don't know who to talk to about it all since i've been kind of at a loss for close friends lately.

this is really short..and kind of incoherent, but im really tired. i think i'm going to go to sleep and write more tomorrow. goodnight.